Get out. Go away.

Dear Invader,

I hate you. YOU are tearing me apart. You make me feel vile. YOU prevent me from having so many things that I want and need. You. I do not want you here.

And what really truly sucks about this? That I have to learn to live with you. You and I – we are not so easily separable. I feed you. You live off me.

What is it about my life force that is feeding you right now? Is it my fear? My desperation? My sadness? My rage? Probably all of the above, right?

How dare you. How dare you take all of this from me - my body, my freedom, my confidence, even my honesty. You are NOT welcome here and I don’t know how to make you go away. I am trying, but apparently not hard enough. And if this continues for much longer, the despair might just be too overwhelming.

This fight exhausts me. Not just the medication, but the shear emotional drain from worrying, fearing, dwelling on what might not happen… ever – you disappearing.

I am going to dig down and find a way to accept you, I will bring an enemy closer. And then I am going to find a way to kill you. Forever. Don’t get comfortable, you won’t be staying for dinner.

Your unwilling host,

Me.

Dear friends,

You are so wildly fantastic. You make me smile and laugh. You make me happy. You make me smarter. You make me better. You are inspiration, excitation, education. You know me when I do not. You fight for me when I cannot. You are there, standing behind me, always. You make me feel safe.

There are times in our lives when we wander away from each other. But when the time comes to wander back it is as if not one second of time has passed. We are together again, we are right. I am thankful for these moments of rediscovery. My gratitude for knowing you has never diminished, but in wandering away from each other the overwhelming warmth of your friendship has faded.

Let us rekindle. Let us try harder. Let us be together in what ever way we can.

I love you. I'm with you.

Me

Your cool

Dear lover,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to acknowledge your astounding patience. Perhaps I find this awe inspiring because I wasn't born with any, but I think that my experience with your capacity to stay cool in the face of all sorts of adversity would indicate it's also something quite special. You use this cool to make me calm and shed my many anxieties. You use this cool to be an incredible friend, supporting others, even when you yourself do not receive a whole lot in return. You use your cool to stay positive in while constantly dealing with struggle you did nothing to deserve.

I find this an inspiring attribute, and something I would like to emulate in many windows of my own life.

Thank you for sharing this with me.

See you tonight.

Me

Feeling apart from my body

Hey there body of mine,

We haven’t been on the best of terms lately, have we? You’ve cost me a boatload of money and I’ve really been feeling like crap. So, should we call a truce?

If only it was that simple. Unfortunately, you and I are not the only players in the game. This virus we’re fighting – it’s a sneaky bastard. I feel like it’s hijacked you right out from under me and I don’t know if or when I’ll get you back.

There is a level of fear that I have been unable to contain throughout all of this that I would like to reappropriate as more positive energy. But how? This entire journey has been grueling, it has impacted my relationship, my body, my energy, my work. I am scared that there is no end in sight.

What has been taken from me is something that I was only now claiming as my own. I think this is the most traumatic part of the whole ordeal. And though many go through similar trials, I cannot bring myself to speak of it. I cannot bring myself to share.

This adventure must continue. I am sure I will have more thoughts for you soon.

Get better. Come back to me.

On walking away

Dear friend,

I think it is time to accept reality. We are not what we used to be or who for that matter. Time and life has changed us, and I think that in a quiet way, I’m going to have to break up with you. I think that this friendship is no longer something mutually beneficial, and it hasn’t been for some time. I have established a status for our relationship: unrealistic.

Coming from a place where I learned to value relationships based on mutual respect and support, I have realized that this is not something you understand nor something you have the capacity to participate in. Somehow, I am surprised. But perhaps I shouldn’t be. My friends that do support me in this way are reminders of what I deserve, and although it breaks my heart, I deserve more than you.

Let me explain how I have come to this conclusion through a series of comparisons. When we have had our conflicts (I am not innocent here just to be clear), I have attempted to be honest about my feelings with you because you have always said you value my honesty. However, when I share these feelings and you find them somehow critical or hurtful towards you, you reject them. So you lied, didn’t you? When you said you wanted to know how I feel? I accept that you don’t like what I have to say, but you shouldn’t be telling me I wasn’t supposed to bring it up in the first place. That isn’t fair. That isn’t friendship.

And then there’s the support I have willingly given without any expectation of anything in return (for I have learned not to expect it from you). I have spent time and emotional energy on things that you needed. Sure, I haven’t been around in person as much, but neither have you. So when you conveniently forget that I have done something for you and give all the credit to someone else, that makes me sad. That makes me mad. For I didn’t expect anything in return, but I did expect you to simply remember.

So this is it. This is my goodbye (maybe for now, maybe forever). I have not the energy it would take to hold this up all on my own anymore. And I would rather give it to someone who values me more anyway. I see this as a reminder of the fundamentally spectacular friendships I am blessed with and the fact that not all things are meant to last. You were my first friend here, but I cannot play this game anymore.

Take care dear friend. I’ll miss you.

Me

Crossroads

Dear self,

Have you ever come to a crossroads where the future you thought you’d planned on and worked for suddenly ceased to be a possibility? It seems that with time, I have discovered over and over again that the expectations and goals I have long held for myself no longer apply. And in this daunting discovery, I have been forced to reevaluate where I think I am and where I might be going now. So this is life is it - a series of decisions, actions, consequences and readjustments. John Lennon wasn’t kidding when he said, “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

I am currently existing in one of these strange interludes – an adjustment period so to speak. I have long planned to be making an exodus from the life I have led for the past two years – and now I am not leaving. Funny how that happens, isn’t it? My previous exoduses have generally been appropriately planned and executed – but this one doesn’t seem to be coming to fruition. Well, fuck. [Cue dramatic change of current and future expectations.]

So – my question now is, how do we shift our expectations in a healthy way when something like this happens? It’s not a question of which future alternative you would have preferred, but how do you handle the one that is coming to reality? Beats me.

Back to readjustments, I think that our ability to be creative in our understanding of why things happen will only make the future more exciting. We must accept that not everything will work out like we planned – but doesn’t that mean doors we hadn’t considered before might have opened?

My advice from mid-readjustment is this: Go with it. See where it leads you. When things don’t happen the way you planned, it is likely something else – something better – is on the horizon. Don’t forget to look for it.

Keep on keepin’ on.  

Feeling stuck

Dear job,

I know that there are many days that I love you, but seriously you suck right now. When will this frustration end? I don’t know. When will I get to function at the level I am capable? I don’t know. Is this yet another test of my patience? Of course it is.

I am not alone in this struggle, nor am I by far the worst off. I know that today thousands of people my age are struggling to find a job they love, let alone a job they aren’t overqualified for or even pays decently. I am a lucky one – I have a job that allows me to live reasonably well and pay my loans off at almost the maximum payment option (rant about school debt not appropriate here, will save for later).

You came along at a time when I was looking for something else. It worked out that you did, quite well in fact. And you have given me opportunities I probably would not have had anywhere else. But at what point must I draw the line and say that I cannot wait anymore? When do I declare that “sitting tight” (the order from my boss) is just no longer tolerable? When do I go rogue and figure out the next step on my own?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. These thoughts must continue to simmer. It may be weeks or months before I have any solutions, but perhaps the Universe will present them to me in due time.

To be continued.

Me

To unknown futures

Dear lover,

I suppose this is a love letter of sorts... And it probably emphasizes a flare for the dramatic, that I think this way. Forgive me.

This is on my mind all the time it seems. I want you to be happy, but I don’t know if you want me to fight for us. Do you? Your friendship has become something very special to me – I see how I can be a better person because of you. And I like to think I have the same effect on you. I believe in you, even when you might not believe in yourself. I watch you struggle. I hate it. It breaks my heart in a million shards of hope. You are so wonderful, smart, kind, and passionate – why does no one see how much you have to give? I fail to understand this. And what’s more, I think this failure of others to understand your potential is what will end us. I fear losing your calm, enveloping presence in my life. It makes sense to me. Your partnership is something I never expected to have in my life, and the joy of that, it is something I don’t want to give up.

But you are unsure. Your affection for me is clear, but it is hesitant. Are you afraid of what it will mean to love me? I feel as though I have been mourning our relationship for some time now – as wrong as that is. Is it doomed from the start? Or are we at a crossroads that will divide our paths only to bring us together again?

I wish there were easier answers to my questions. I wish you could be happy here and could love me without hesitation. I want to give you everything but I cannot. Maybe someday you will let me. Maybe somehow the Universe will finally deliver to you what you deserve. It makes me sad to think that it may come only by you leaving. You will not be leaving me, I don’t think. This I understand. But I do wonder, if you could be happy here, what our life together might be like.

I have to give you permission to go if you have to. I would hate myself if I didn't. But I still have questions - like do you want me to fight for us? Would you even think of asking me to come with you? What if. I suppose this exposes me as a hopeless romantic. Something I have resisted becoming for a very long time. But you were different. You are special. And I am glad I let you in.

I love you.

Me

Acknowledging a gift

To my friends - my brothers, my sisters.

Here’s the thing about friends, they always seem to make all your worries fall away, for they see you for who you are, who you will become and everything in between.  They make the world right when it's fallen sideways.  A simple conversation brings you from blue to bright in a matter of moments.  And time has no place in these simple moments of truth, where you find your hope and love all in the same moment.

Love you all.

Me